May 5th was my three year anniversary for sobriety! This year, I thought a good way to solidify my sobriety would be to read through my journal from when I was in rehab. It was an interesting read. It shows how much I have changed since then, and just how sick my thinking really was. Below are a few excerpts from this journal. Note: I will put clarifying comments and name concealing descriptions in brackets.
Day 2, 5/9/15
It’s 9:52am & I feel devastated for no good reason. I miss Adam and I can’t handle that I have to be here. I’m kind of quietly FREAKING OUT.
Also, I fucking NEED a drink.
What am I grateful for?
- Friendliness of girls in my house.
- Our outing today
- Sobriety for today
- Feeling better than earlier today
Day 7 5/14/15
I have a new roommate & I am terrified she’s going to get violently ill in withdrawal. She’s really nice though. Also, [addictions counselor] isn’t here today so I won’t be able to call Adam after all 😦 [any phone calls had to be made on speakerphone with counselor].
Later, still day 7
I saw [nurse practitioner] & she went over my test results. I have a bad liver result, but not horrible. I am also deficient in Vit. D. She said that I’m “a bad alcoholic” in that I drank A LOT. She also said I’m a sick alcoholic because I relapsed fairly frequently. Lucky me! [looking at this now, of course I was a ‘bad’ ‘sick’ alcoholic, I was in rehab]
In other news [the chef] is going above and beyond for my food now [previously there was an issue in which entire meals did not have a single vegetarian friendly food]. I appreciate it, but I also hate being a trouble. She doesn’t complain, at least not to my face.
Oh! I also am low in potassium & protein, but [NP] said that being a vegetarian may have saved some of my organs. [don’t understand this in hindsight, but there was likely more to this than what I wrote]
What am I grateful for?
I’m bored and my swimsuit has arrived but they haven’t given it to me yet and I don’t feel like doing anything. Options? Journal, watch TV, read, take shower, sit outside. I guess I’ll take a shower.
Day 26, 6/2/15
During dinner [peer] said she could tell I’m a vegetarian b/c I have good skin. I know this isn’t true b/c I have awful skin.
I’m overwhelmed by the sheer number of women here now. There are 18 of us plus 3-4 [staff] plus the nurse and that’s just at night. It’s just too many people for me right now. There is also a lot more drama, too much of it. Also, the people who are coming in are more bad-ass in the bad scary way than before.
Just 2 more days & 3 more nights and then I’m free. I CAN DO THIS.
These excerpts are just a small portion of my journal while I was in rehab. I filled a spiral notebook with an entry for each of the 29 days I was there. Looking through this notebook showed me parts of the early recovery process that I had forgotten.
I’m going to end with this from day 25, June 1, 2015
[mental health counselor] said she’s really worried about me and my sobriety → life. She doesn’t think I sound dedicated. I disagree but have certainly been brought down a notch.