I’m on a business trip, so I didn’t think I’d post today. I hadn’t planned anything, and didn’t expect to write, but I have a bit of a stream of consciousness to share.
I’m at a meetup for work in Florida on the beach. The facilitators have been planning a happy hour for this weeks in advance, they even have their own mixed drink that they emailed about last week.
I have been dreading the happy hour for a long time and was relieved when I discovered that this was a large enough crowd I could skip and not be noticed. All day everyone was so excited for happy hour but I knew I wasn’t going and honestly, I’m fine with it. I played out in my head many times before this trip what it would look like to relapse in a different state in a hotel by myself. It wouldn’t be pretty and I don’t want it to happen.
When the time came I was eager to get changed and grab the book I’m reading before heading over to the beach. My plan was that while everyone else enjoyed happy hour, I would have happy beach reading time.
Once I got to the beach and found a spot to sit down I realized it is really lonely to be at a lovely beach by myself. Everyone else was socializing at the outdoor bar back at the hotel (I used to love drinking outside!) and I was there, actually okay with not drinking, but alone. Always the outcast in a way.
Social anxiety and sobriety are hard sometimes more than others. As I sat there I thought to myself, “what can I do to feel better?” So I called my brother. We talked for awhile, and just feeling connected to someone who values me as a person made me feel so much better.
After we got off the phone, I read as planned. I then went and put my feet in the ocean and found some cool seashells. Then I had to go back inside because despite smothering my skin in SPF 55 I could still feel myself burning.
I mentioned by brother here, and soon there will be more about/from him. We are working together on a post. I’m not sure when it will be ready, but keep an eye out because it’s really exciting!